2-14-05 Pre-Blog Journal Entry

Today is Valentine’s Day. I cannot drive to buy my husband a present. Even if I could drive we have no money. I decide to write him a letter and make him his favorite dessert. A recipe which might be considered moderately difficult to prepare, but one I had made many times before quickly and to rave reviews.

Many years ago I had gotten the recipe from his mother, now deceased. When our home was destroyed my recipe book was also either lost or destroyed along with most of our other possessions. Then, fatefully, a couple years ago, I started receiving free copies of Martha Stewart’s magazine. One issue, to my sheer joy and amazement, contained the recipe.

I organized everything I needed. I decided to do this very methodically to help ensure I would not make any mistakes. I gathered all of the ingredients and utensils I would need. I read off each ingredient and placed it in a little cup, just as they do on the cooking shows on TV. I checked myself over and over to make sure each cup contained the proper amount of the correct ingredient. The only real problem I had was in separating one of the eggs.

When all of the ingredients were assembled I began to follow the recipe. Reading each step out loud to myself over and over, I talked myself through. Many times I became fearful that I had made a mistake or had forgotten a step. Going back over the directions, intensely trying to remember myself performing a step. Looking at the cups that still contained ingredients, as well as the cups that were now empty, and then observing what was in the different bowls, I was able to piece together where I was in the directions. Trying to physically remember, I performed all movements I would have made. Sparks of the memory of carrying out these actions came back to me. Still the fear persisted.

A recipe that used to take me no more than an hour to complete had taken me 3. I was both physically and emotionally exhausted.

The cups now safely tucked away in the refrigerator, I went to my computer to write the letter. Staring blankly at the screen all the thoughts and words I had formulated in my mind, laying in bed the night before, were gone.

The dessert would have to stand on its own.

After resting a bit I woke my husband to have coffee with me before he had to leave for work. While sipping his first cup of coffee I brought out the dessert. The surprise and delight in his eyes made it all worth it.

Cognitive: – Frustrating at times. Still other times I am able to carry on conversations whose topics range from current events to philosophy.

Pain:

• Foot – The pain is almost unbearable at times but I am trying to put my mind over it and work through it. Cannot walk without my cane. Level fluctuates between 6 - 9
• TN -. Mostly just aware it is there. level 1 to 2
• Sensory – Extremely sound sensitive. Had to wear an ear plug in my left ear most of the day. Hearing certain sounds very painful. Feel as though they are going through my head. Strange sounds in my right ear. The volume of the sounds goes up and down, too. Sometimes unbearably loud. No one else can hear them. Level 7-9
• FMS – Muscle stiffness. A few tender points sore. Level 3-4
• Other – Right temple hurts more than yesterday. Twinges, dull ache, annoyance and then much more. I don’t know why it hurts. Level 3-4
• Shoulder –.Mainly stiffness. Nuisance pain