2-14-05 Pre-Blog Journal Entry

Today is Valentine’s Day. I cannot drive to buy my husband a present. Even if I could drive we have no money. I decide to write him a letter and make him his favorite dessert. A recipe which might be considered moderately difficult to prepare, but one I had made many times before quickly and to rave reviews.

Many years ago I had gotten the recipe from his mother, now deceased. When our home was destroyed my recipe book was also either lost or destroyed along with most of our other possessions. Then, fatefully, a couple years ago, I started receiving free copies of Martha Stewart’s magazine. One issue, to my sheer joy and amazement, contained the recipe.

I organized everything I needed. I decided to do this very methodically to help ensure I would not make any mistakes. I gathered all of the ingredients and utensils I would need. I read off each ingredient and placed it in a little cup, just as they do on the cooking shows on TV. I checked myself over and over to make sure each cup contained the proper amount of the correct ingredient. The only real problem I had was in separating one of the eggs.

When all of the ingredients were assembled I began to follow the recipe. Reading each step out loud to myself over and over, I talked myself through. Many times I became fearful that I had made a mistake or had forgotten a step. Going back over the directions, intensely trying to remember myself performing a step. Looking at the cups that still contained ingredients, as well as the cups that were now empty, and then observing what was in the different bowls, I was able to piece together where I was in the directions. Trying to physically remember, I performed all movements I would have made. Sparks of the memory of carrying out these actions came back to me. Still the fear persisted.

A recipe that used to take me no more than an hour to complete had taken me 3. I was both physically and emotionally exhausted.

The cups now safely tucked away in the refrigerator, I went to my computer to write the letter. Staring blankly at the screen all the thoughts and words I had formulated in my mind, laying in bed the night before, were gone.

The dessert would have to stand on its own.

After resting a bit I woke my husband to have coffee with me before he had to leave for work. While sipping his first cup of coffee I brought out the dessert. The surprise and delight in his eyes made it all worth it.

Cognitive: – Frustrating at times. Still other times I am able to carry on conversations whose topics range from current events to philosophy.

Pain:

• Foot – The pain is almost unbearable at times but I am trying to put my mind over it and work through it. Cannot walk without my cane. Level fluctuates between 6 - 9
• TN -. Mostly just aware it is there. level 1 to 2
• Sensory – Extremely sound sensitive. Had to wear an ear plug in my left ear most of the day. Hearing certain sounds very painful. Feel as though they are going through my head. Strange sounds in my right ear. The volume of the sounds goes up and down, too. Sometimes unbearably loud. No one else can hear them. Level 7-9
• FMS – Muscle stiffness. A few tender points sore. Level 3-4
• Other – Right temple hurts more than yesterday. Twinges, dull ache, annoyance and then much more. I don’t know why it hurts. Level 3-4
• Shoulder –.Mainly stiffness. Nuisance pain

2-13-05 Pre-Blog Journal Entry

Morning

Cognitive: Today is MUCH better than yesterday. I am able to think more clearly and do more things. Level 2-3

Pain:

• Foot – Still applying an ice pack applying an ice pack and doing the stretching exercises. I keep loosing track of my cane so I try to walk without it. Level 5-9
• TN - There is less spasming under the eye today. Pain level 2-3.
• Other – Right temple. Level 2-3 – Twinges, dull ache, annoyance. I don’t know why it hurts.

Talked to my mother on the phone. Why is it that my speech goes bad faster when I am talking on the phone than when I am talking to someone in person?

Night

My speech is now totally gone. Every time I try to say any words they come out “blub blub blub”. I try to watch Desperate Housewives but I keep getting confused. Sometimes when my husband or kids try to explain things to me. After their explanation, I pretend to understand, but sometimes I don’t.

Cognitive: Terrible, horrible, embarrassing, Level 9

2-12-2005 Pre-Blog Journal Entry

Woke up today feeling as if “I was not all here”. I had to talk myself through everything. “Okay, I am awake. What time is it? Do I hear anyone else moving about? Am I still sleepy? I think I should get up. Ouch! There is a terrible pain in my foot. Why? Oh, that is right, I forgot to stretch my foot before stepping on it. Stretch…. Now step. Where is my cane? Where did I leave it THIS time.”

The day continued. Sitting at the table having coffee listening to the conversation, trying to contribute when I could, but I kept getting lost. Their words jumbled and I had to keep asking them to explain or repeat what they had said. When I did contribute my oldest daughter would smile that smile that meant she was being patient with me. She responded to what I had said, but I knew it had nothing to do with what they had been talking about. It was easier to just keep quiet and listen while trying to grasp bits of the content here and there.

I am very lucky. My family tries to be patient with me. My older daughter carefully explains things to me over and over acting as though it is the first time I had asked the question. My hubby teases me sweetly. When he stops teasing me I will know I have gone over the deep end. My youngest just knows this is the way Mom is. She has never known me any other way. Boy these words are hard to say.

Pain:

• Foot – Icing it several times a day, which helps a little. Walking with a cane. Level 6 - 8.
• TN – Lots of spasming under the eye. Level 3-5.
• Shoulder – Mainly stiffness. Increases when I reach for things. Level 2-3.

Cognitive: Cannot understand words much less follow conversations. Level 8.5

When I go into the kitchen to prepare a very early dinner of grilled cheese sandwiches. I stand in the middle of the room thinking, “Why I am there. Ah yes, dinner.” I begin to talk myself through it.

My family is used to my talking myself through things and has come to ignore this part of my personality. I find verbalizing what I am doing helps to keep me on track and focused. Also, when I hear myself asking questions and answering them it is easier to do the task.

After dinner, my hubby and kids suggest a nap. I know it is because of my comprehension difficulties. I reluctantly toddle off to bed. Maybe a nap would clear my head. I sleep much longer than I wanted to but awake refreshed with verbal skills much improved over this morning’s.